🎃 The Snarky Parent’s Guide to Surviving Halloween

1. Costume Delusion Season
Every child will want a costume that either:
a) Sold out in August,
b) Requires a sewing degree, or
c) Involves glitter, sequins, or fake blood that will haunt your floors until spring.
Pick your battles. And by that, I mean order the backup Amazon Prime costume now.

2. The Pumpkin Patch Scam
You will pay $17 for entry, $9 for a pumpkin you could’ve bought at Trader Joe’s for $3.99, and $12 for a cider that tastes suspiciously like apple juice. But hey — you got “the photo.” #WorthIt?

3. School Parade Chaos
Your kid will wear their costume for exactly 11 minutes before something rips, falls off, or gets “too itchy.” Cue tears. Then you’ll be the parent taping a cape together in the parking lot with duct tape and caffeine fumes.

4. Candy Tax 101
As the legal guardian, you are entitled to a 30% parent tax.
Acceptable forms of payment:

• All Reese’s

• Half the Twix

• Anything you can sneak before they sort it

  (You earned it. Those little vampires don’t know what property tax is.)

5. Trick-or-Treat Time Warp
Your Fitbit will think you ran a 5K. Your kid will think you’re the slow one. And every house with stairs suddenly feels like Everest.

6. The Pillowcase Problem
Your child will insist on using a pillowcase because it’s “bigger.” You’ll carry it for them halfway through because their tiny arms gave up. Classic rookie move.

7. The Candy Audit
You’ll spend an hour sorting through the loot for “safety” — by which I mean pulling out anything with coconut or raisins because gross.

8. Bedtime? Hilarious.
Your kid is sugared up, overtired, and possibly part demon now. You’ll spend 45 minutes negotiating toothbrush time with someone in a half-melted Spider-Man mask.

9. November 1st Hangover
The real horror: realizing there’s a full day of school and work tomorrow. The costumes are still sticky, the pumpkins are rotting, and you’re questioning all your life choices.

10. Repeat Next Year
Because you’ll forget all of this by next September when you see matching family costumes on Pinterest and think, “We could totally pull that off.” Spoiler: You can’t. But it’ll be funny when you try.